Caught in the Middle

When I was in middle school my mom left me a message saying if I got on a plane to Maui, I was going to die. I didn’t really understand why my mom would say that. Had she received a message from God? We had started going to church together when I was in elementary school, but somehow I didn’t think it was really related to any spiritual world. My dad, who I was living with when this happened, explained the illness my mother had. It would be a illness that could managed, contained, weakened, but one that would never go away. Now, my nine year old sister is dealing with my mom’s illness and once again we are caught in the middle.

My mom is schizophrenic. Her mother had been schizophrenic as well, and it made my mom’s older sister and brother tired of dealing with it. They were both afraid of the suicide attempts, the erratic behavior, and the fear of just never knowing what will happen. With both of my mother’s parents dead, and a deadbeat ex-husband (my sister’s father), my sister and I are the only family my mom has left. I am the only one she can depend on, and because I live so far away, my sister is the only one my mom can shower her abundant love on.

For years my mom was on medication that subdued the voices in her mind. She was able to cope with being an older parent because in a lot of ways, my mom was made to be a mom. She is very nurturing and always puts her children before herself. However, she has recently been in and out of the hospital for a year now. The hospitals can’t seem to keep her long enough to get the right combination of medications. Like most people with mental illness, my mom is both schizophrenic and depressed. She alternately sleeps to much, or not enough. And every change in her lifestyle is a potential sign that something is wrong. But now, she not only faces exorbitant amount of health care bills, she also faces the loss of my sister. My sister’s dad, despite his inability to be responsible for anything at all (bills, picking children up from school, holding down a job), is fighting to take my sister out of the state.

I have no opinion about who should get custody. Maybe it’s a betrayal to my mom, but I seriously wonder if it’s right to put my sister through this amount of instability. But I am realistic in thinking that this is the rest of our lives. You can’t just pretend your mother doesn’t exist, or that she is perfectly healthy. My mom will never be cured of her illness. Instability will also be a part of my sister’s life simply through her father. I once waited two hours for him to pick me up from a softball game. That’s no way for a child to grow up either. Whatever happens, I can only pray that my sister can create for herself, a belief system or outlook on life that can still give her hope, love, honesty, sincerity and integrity. Growing up in this kind of situation is not easy. Maintaining a system of values can be skewed when it seems as if life is unfair. But life is unfair, and there has to be more to life than simple equity, that keeps you, me, us, going. Some say it is God, some say it is love, some say it is sheer natural instinct. Whatever it is, and whatever it is that my sister decides upon, I hope it is one where she can find joy in the midst of it all.